The Real Problem

"Perhaps the great divider between seekers of righteousness and self-righteous is that those who hunger and thirst after righteousness cannot rest until satisfaction and happiness come to those whom they strive to help. They hurt when others hurt. The self-righteous are often deed conscious rather than people conscious. They seem to glory in forms and traditions, formulas, and standards. They cast alms to the poor without loving them or stopping to discern what the real problem might be." - Chauncey C. Riddle

So last Thursday I had an interesting experience to say the least. I was at Timpanogos Regional Hospital on the Medical floor doing my clinical hours. It was about 7:00am and my RN and I were just finishing morning assessments and she was just beginning to explain the disease process of acute pancreatitis and it's relationship to lipase to me when over the intercom we hear, "Code blue room 402, code blue room 402." I looked at her, and in my mind I was thinking, "Whoa...it's like the movies! Code Blue's really do happen!"

Well she stopped mid sentence and started to run over to the next unit (the surgical unit). Well, doing what student nurses do, I followed right behind her with my squeaking shape-up shoes. As I was squeaking along behind her I thought, "This might be cool. I haven't really seen anything like this before." As we reached room 402, it was obvious that about 20 people had beat us there, but just barely. I could hear someone yelling to "Get the Epi" and could hear someone else yelling "negative on the pulse." Without hesitation, the respiratory therapist literally ripped off this man's hospital gown and began chest compressions. The nurse I was with then came rolling by with an AED cart and they set the paddles on his chest. What a jolt...literally! Still negative on the pulse...more chest compressions...more paddles...more compressions...more paddles...

My nurse came over and stood by me as I watched the medical staff try and keep this man, who was supposed to be discharged that morning, alive. It had been about 30min now, and you could see the sweat on those doing compressions. I kept looking at the "tele" machine which is a machine placed outside the patient's room that allows nurses to monitor vital signs without being in the room. Flat Line. I continued to look at the monitor when I saw a small "QRS" appear! At the same time I heard his nurse, "It's weak, call his wife and tell her to get here. We'll put him on life support in the ICU." I then heard the painful phone call to his wife. They didn't give her a lot of details in fear that she would not drive safely down, but I knew what she would find when she got here. They rolled him by me; even though his lungs were moving (he was intubated) I knew he was not really there.

I turned around and realized that it had now been 45 min and that my nurse had left. I rushed back to the med floor to find her. When I got there she asked how I was doing. I was surprised actually. I was fine. Seriously, I felt nothing. I just watched a man leave this earth, and I wasn't bothered, and that was bothering me. I told my nurse that and asked her if that was normal. I kept thinking I should want to cry or something. I felt heartless. We talked for a while in between visiting patients, and I felt better about everything, but still weird. It wasn't until I was riding in the elevator back from my lunch break that the situation hit. I got into the elevator at the same time as a family, all in tears. None of them were talking, and it was definitely not my place to break that silence. As their stop came, it was the 2nd floor, ICU. The doors opened to let them out, and standing in the waiting room was a whole family, including a very emotional older women. I didn't have to ask, I knew who they were. Here this family was, saying goodbye to their father, grandpa, and husband who I had just watched die.

It was weird to think that my life would go on, while their's would never be the same. I realized then that this is more than a job I'm training for, it's people's lives, families, and friends. The real problem for me up to this point was that I was too worried I was messing up, putting my grade in jeopardy. I don't want to mess up, and I still would like to get good grades, but I guess I realized that there are more important things...